King James! King James! Here to help our house go right! You’re going to love it here. Greatest city in the world. You’re the next chapter in its long history of greatness. So wonderful to welcome LeBron to the Lakers family. We’re definitely going to the tournament this year. We’d better. Go back to Cleveland! We don’t want you here! Seize him! Long live the Black Mamba! The real GOAT! Kobeeeeeeee!!! Knights of House Lakers tonight we commence what is sure to be a glorious season the beginning of the end of the long drought. Here here! For the King of the East now dons the Purple and Gold. And together we will restore the glory of the Greatest House in the Western Realm. Now please, eat! Especially you, Ingram. No, Brandon, you’ve gotta pass to LeBron first now. Oh, sorry. You mustn’t burn your tongue, Your Grace So, I hear you’re to be involved in the production of Sea Jam 2. Is that correct? Uh, yes, that’s right. Oh, delightful! Well, I was thinking, if you’re looking to, say reprise Shawn Bradley’s character I’m a very accomplished Shaqtor…uh…actor. You’ll never be clutch like Kobe! Who are these clowns? Kobedicians. Kobedicians. An annoying sect of extremist Kobe fanlings. This was done by Lakers fanlings? They’re not Laker fans. They’re Kobe fans. They don’t accept LeBron. They think he’s a soft bitch who can’t play defense. Watch your tongue, Brandon! What? Well, that’s what they say. LeBron’s a soft bitch. And he doesn’t play defense. See? Kobe. Alright, let me talk to them. Don’t bother, LeBron. You can’t reason with them. Just… ignore them. If I could win back the fanlings
of Cleveland I can certainly win the hearts
of a few crazy Kobe fanlings. You can’t make your free throws. Good people of Los Angeles. Oh shit, it’s LeBron. Booo! You suck! You’re a stat padder! Shh shh, give him a chance,
give him a chance. Like you I have much respect for Kobe. But I— Cuz he’s the GOAT You’ll never be Kobe, bruv. I’m not trying to be Well, you should. Yeah, he’s better than you. Yeah! OK. Well, is there anything I could
possibly do to win you over? I don’t think there’s nothing. What if he gave us a billion gold? No. What if he got “Kobe” tattooed
on his head? Definitely not. No. Maybe 100 championships? Six? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Five? Eight? Go with that. Go with that. Yes. OK? You gotta win, uh six championships. Yeah, yeah, six. Six, yeah! Yeah, yeah—no, seven! Seven! Six! What? You realize Kobe only won five. Yeah, but he’s a closer, bitch! He finishes! I finish! According to the analytics maesters I’m actually more clutch than Kobe. Nah, Kobe’s a killer. Like a mambaaa! Hiss!! Well, I built a school! Wow! Oh, you built a school! Yeah, that’s ’cause you’re soft! Yeah! You have nothing to prove to these fools. They’re just a few nuts living in their parents’ barns. They’ll come around. Believe me. Real Kobe fans will NEVER accept LeBron. Yeah! He doesn’t have the Mamba Mentality. Yeah! Kobe never missed a game-winner! Yeah! I have dedicated my life to the worship of Kobe. And I would rather die than worship the false goat LeBron! Yeah! Dominate! Dominate! Dominate!