Okay, okay listen we need to have a powwow, group powwow. Okay, everybody sit around. Gather ’round. (Wayne grunts) Where’d the, where’d the- Barney… He has to sit on something? We need to get you some bullets. Tommy have you ever fought, have you ever fought anything? You ever killed anything? You think you’d be good at it? Like if we- if maybe like we trained you? Like if I gave you a gun you think you could shoot it, at something? (Benrey sings a note) How did a pigeon get down here? (Chuckling) No. (Wayne sighs) You don’t… You don’t need to k- (Tommy punches the pigeon)
You don’t… You don’t need to k- You… I need you to- (Benrey is singing a note) (Benrey stops) What are you doing?
(Benrey starts singing again) (Benrey starts singing again) (Benrey is still singing) (Wayne laughs)
(Benrey is still singing) Listen, okay, Tommy. I don’t know if you could use a gun or not you seem to not be processing what I’m saying to you- (A shrill tone plays) Was that a threat to us in any way? Barney? Bubby! Bubby! What is that? Oouhg! Did that hit you? Did that touch- No! No! Watch it, watch it, watch it. You ain’t gonna survive that fall. That’s gotta be, that’s gotta be like 50 feet. Are you okay?! How the fuck did you make that jump? Did you just do- Alright, Tommy’s got the right idea. All right, they’ve got the initiative. All right Dr. Coomer. You ready? (Wayne laughs) Hoo, damn Bubby! Damn, okay! Pass the- hold on you have the revolver, pass the Glock over to uh, Mr. Coomer. I’m sick of you on every level imaginable. Oh my god! Dr. Coomer! I don’t know how to get out of the water. (Stuttering) We can’t- how do we help him? Hello, Mm… Dr. Coomer! Oh, we really got to make this? Are you guys all able to do this? How old are you Dr. Coomer? Let me see those legs. Ohhhh… Ohhh… (Wayne yells in fear) (Wayne pants) Oh my god, he’s making it look so easy. Holy sh- (gasp)
TOMMY! Tommy?! Oh my god! Oh, we were- Ooouh! (Wayne hyperventilates to amp up) Come on Gordon, come on Gordon, come on Gordon. Just like gym class, just like gym class- Oh shit! (Wayne inhales) This next one’s a big one! You guys got any advice? I’m a little scared, not gonna lie! (Wayne grunts) UGH- I did it! Ooh- (Wayne exhales) How did you guys make that look so easy? Thank you. You just- Tommy, how did you get back up? Was there like, uh, an elevator? Don’t point it at me. This seems like a weird threat, and I don’t know why you’d be giving it to me. Be- I know… Yeah, we’re cool right now, right? I’m gonna- oh, oh! That’s- we don’t have to handle this, huh? (Wayne gasps) DON’T, DON’T, DON’T, DON’T, DON’T, DON’T, DON’T, DON’T- There is a hole in there, but just please be careful. (Wayne sighs) (Whispering) Hey… Hey. (Dr. Coomer: Quite drafty in here, isn’t it?) Yeah-
(Dr. Coomer: Quite drafty in here, isn’t it?) Coomer, this is the, that- we’re going the wrong way, right? Like, this is not where were supposed to be. (Wayne breathes in) Get all the soda, get the soda, get the soda! Get it! Get the soda! No, don’t eat the spiders! (A shrill tone plays) There’s soda everywhere. Oh my god! Stop running into the, if you- it’s not a rope! It’s, it’s- Yeokay don’t move, don’t move, don’t move, don’t move. Don’t move! Don’t move man! (Wayne sighs) Stop! Grk- They’re not ropes! You guys are fucking scientists, use deductive reasoning! It’s- My god, there’s so many birds! Did we have like a, did we have like a bank of birds in Black Mesa? Are these like, test animals? On birds? Were you in, were you in the bird division? Were you doing the bird tests? Then what, what were for the birds for? Why are you killing them? They’re just *birds* man! We need to eat them. The only- listen, the only excuse that I want- Are we gonna eat them? You solving a puzzle, right now? No, no, no put the boxes, put the boxes under the ladder. Push the box under the ladder, it’s a physics puzzle. We have these at the Black Mesa. Push it a little bit- no, no, no! Just now, now, now have it hold still! Don’t move it anymore! God, fuckin’ stop walking around Dude, dude! Oh, oh jesus! Guys, guys- T- You cut- You cut yourself off. Yeah, Mr. Coomer? Ok, (chuckling) he’s busted. -It’s faster, it’s gonna save you your knuckles. WOAH! GOD! (Wayne grunts) Why do we have turrets?! OH! HUAH! (Wayne pants) Oh my god! uUGH! Get out of the way of the turret! Find some cover! Tommy it can break the boxes, don’t behind- don’t hide behind a box! Get out of the open! (Wayne exhales) Hold on I think there’s more around the corner- I don’t know what you just said to me! Okay… Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy. That’s not how that works. That’s not how that works. I need you to preserve yourself. I need you to keep yourself safe so that you don’t li- (Wayne laughs) All right, you ready to use that thing? You think you know what- you, alright you can handle it? Okay, so. A couple- no, no, no, no! You don’t just shoot it! You don’t just shoot it when there’s people around! Only use- You don’t need to test a gun! Okay? Now- (Gunshot) (Wayne makes a frustrated sound) Bro! Hey! Oh my god another security, guard somebody armed. (Guard: Okay, we might live longer if we work together.) You should probably come with us-
(Guard: Okay, we might live longer if we work together.) Don’t punch him! Why did you do that?! Assume that if we threaten anyone they will assume we are a threat, Coomer. Don’t just be punching people in the thighs! I just took a-
(Benrey sings a note) (Benrey sings a note) I just took a b- HELLO!
(Benrey sings a note) I just took a b- HELLO! I, the next time that- What is happening? That is a big- is that a T.V.? Those are open circuits! Don’t touch the T.V. Stop touching the TV. No, no, no, no, no you don’t use the medkit on the tv no YOU’RE FRYING THE FUCK- You fried the goddamn thing! Tommy goin’ ham! Tommy go off! Tommy go OFF! Holy shit his trigger finger! Tommy! Tommy, you said you’d never seen a gun before. We gotta find a way out of here, someone look for an exit- Oh, there, exit! Oh, you guys want some more soda?! Let’s get some spah- GET SOME SODA! (Wayne sighs) Jesus Christ, this is- this is the only thing that placates them. (Whispering) The fuck is happening? Coomer… You have any family? They took your wife in the divorce? How ’bout you Tommy? Where you from? (Wayne laughs) What’s your dog’s name? (Wayne laughs) You named your dog after soda? you really like soda huh, bud? You a fan of soda? You got some, some shit on your eye. Yeah? Huohh, it’s freezing! You guys like the cold? Yeah, it’s where they keep the meats. Like Arby’s. (Wayne shivers) Why would they do that? OH! Hooh! Hooh man! Oh fuck! Who threw the bomb? Damn, where’d you get those, Coomer? Cool. Dope, dope. Please tell us if you’re gonna throw grenades. What does this do? (Wayne chuckles) Where you going? Don’t throw the bombs at me! Gun it, oh fuck! Oh fuck! Get on, get on. Get on. What is that? Why are you throwing grenades at me?! (Wayne chuckles) Nice, nice. That was pretty clean, you did that a lot faster than I did. All right so just now, Bubby and uh, Tommy How did he do that? (Laughing) He didn’t do it yet, he didn’t make it. You got- you got it this time Bub! (Wayne laughs) God! You g- watch where you’re going guys! Understand- okay- I said do not! Don’t touch that! Don’t touch that! Tommy! Tommy! Oh my god, you’re sm- Tommy, you are the smartest one here. You are the smartest one here. What’s up? Are you o- It’s dead, right? Yeah it can’t get you anymore. The meat?! The meat’s alive?! I see one of those fuckin’ bugs! Why is it dangerous, what are we doing with meat? What do we need with meat? Classified? I think we are *beyond the point* of classification! There’s fucking zombies and shit, man! If you have- If you have any information- the zombies were classified. I would say they are no longer classified. In fact, I would go as far to say that this company is defunct! (Wayne exhales) Why? God damn it, how big is this fucking place?! Large. You know your head’s in the- Big large- (Wayne chuckles) No, you did not! Woah! Damn, the m- Why did you- you just went right back in, what the fuck?! Why- (Wayne laughs) (Scientist: It that appears you need medical attention right away.) (Scientist: Let’s try this.) Oh nice! Nice, bro. You- what kinda drugs?! (Wayne laughs) (Wayne grunts) (Wayne laughs) You don’t need to show him your passport! You saw it, in the locker! Remember? Remember? When I showed it to you in the locker? When you said my son looked like shit? You said my son looked like shit. What’s your name? Damn! Listen. The- For the last- I understand you’re gonna have to *fucking* follow me! for the last *fucking* time- I don’t have my *fucking* passport. So don’t *fucking* ask me again! I don’t know why I’m not just killing you! I’ve killed- (A low tone emits from Benrey) I will give you my passport. It’s on the screen, it’s on this. Yeah. See? Gordon. No. No. N- Is this what- You think you can do that? I don’t know, like I’m not confident. (Gasp) OOOOH! Coomer! Who wants to try first? I don’t think… there are stairs. I don’t think we have that option. Did I miss something in there? (Wayne makes a “tsk” noise) Who wrote that? I didn’t do that. (Bubby: I’m erasing this.) I, and I did not do that. Did you just clean it off? Great job man. Great, great, okay, he’s gone. We need to move because that absolutely didn’t kill him. All right, clear the way! I need like so much space for this. You don’t know how hard this is for me. Alright you ready? 3. 2. 1. Gordon! MMMMMMMMMMMM- AAAAAAAAAH! I did it! Oh my god! High-security storage facility. All right, so I’m guessing we’re gonna see a lot more in the, in the- (Scientist: For god’s sake, open the silo doors!)
High-security storage facility. All right, so I’m guessing we’re gonna see a lot more in the, in the- (Scientist: For god’s sake, open the silo doors!) (Scientist: Oh my god, we’re doomed!) What?! (Glass breaks, an alarm starts blaring.) Tommy?! Tommy! Get- Get the FUCK- Come! Come on, come on, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon! Bubby! (Wayne gasps) Someone move him, he’s not dead yet! He’s not dead yet! Get him out of the way! Oh my god. (Meaty crunch)
Oh my god. Did it? It had to happen, huh? I think it… didn’t. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. Why did you shoot the button? You just- He just died. That man just died, and now there’s toilets. Claymores, huh? No, no! We know what these are! We’ve seen them tripped. I need you to back up. I need you to back up. I need you to- Bah- they are the *same* color! I need you to back up. (Wayne laughs) Do not hit that button! DO NOT- Fucking idiot! God dammit, I’m sorry for saying that but- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Nice shot Tommy. Soda, oh my god drink up guys. Gather round, drink up, drink up! (Wayne laughs) (Wayne inhales) That was- I think that was your P.B. I think that was fastest fucking soda machine you guys have taken out yet, honestly. Tommy- I don’t know what you just said- We- I haven’t seen a single bathroom the whole time. You- (Wayne laughs) What? Like- Pee in the- go piss in the corner. (Wayne laughs) Why did they program that in? What is- Tommy, Tommy! Tommy, your face… I- can you see? you are covered in blood. Go- please, please. All right, hold my hand, hold my hand. Follow me, follow me. Hold my hand, hold my hand. Come here. Come here. No, no, no, no, over here bud, over here bud. I- no, no, no, NO, NO, DON’T SHOOT! We are safe right now. We’re- come on, come on, put your hand in there. Put your hand in there, and squeeze Yes. Can you see me? Okay, all right, so I guess you’re fine. You don’t look- you do not look fine. Avoid the barrels, avoid the barrels. Wait, wait, don’t- do not trip the wire, do not- We can jump that, we can jump that! Yes, yes, keep jumping- WOAH! ST- STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! We- we don’t- How are you doing that?! How are you okay? Oooh, this one’s gonna be tricky. Don’t press- STOP! Oh my god, come on! Come on! Bubby! I’ll hold it! (Wayne grunts) AAARGH! God I can’t do it much longer! Come on! (grunt) (Wayne pants) Agh. Shit! Oh my head… (Dr. Coomer emits a descending tone) (Wayne chuckles) You don’t look alive. How did you get back- woah! Soldiers? We! Are! scientists! We cum in pies- we come in peace! Oh shit! Pull out your guns, pull out your guns! Pull out your guns, kill the soldiers! Holy fuck! Who did that? Hey fucker- I give up… There was, a guy in here a minute ago. We’re leaving him behind? (Wayne laughs) (Laughing) Why would you do that to him?! There’s no rules anymore! Fuck it, right? It’s kill or be killed in Black Mesa! FUCK THE TROOPS! Anybody hurt? Anybody hurt? Nyeah, me too. Mentally probably too. Don’t press the button. (Gunshots) (Glass breaks, an alarm starts) Hurry, hurry, hurry. No, no! Stop, stop, look up. Hey! You! Soldier boy! (Gunshots) You scared him. No, they don’t even have words on them. Can you read words which are not there? Can you read between the lines? Yeah? If we have 18 hours to the surface, there’s no way they could have been coming here like before the 18- Oh yeah, let’s pose. Hold on. Hold on, pose. Pose. H- hey! There’s a soldier, there’s a soldier! Come back! C’mon, get him! Get him! Stop! Stop! Stop or I will shoot. Stop or I will shoot. Stop or I will shoot! You have nowhere to go! You have nowhere to go. Stop. What?! DGH- BUT- We had a ch- (Wayne is clicking his controllers on his VR headset) We could have talked to him… We could have asked him questions…
(Wayne is clicking his controllers on his VR headset) Yeah, but he was unarmed! We had a chance to ask him something. What if he knew a better way to get out? Stop. Hold your fire… (Whispering) Yeah, yeah, self defense. So- This one’s fast! Come back! Run him down! Run him down. Where did he go? Did he jump this? He got through that?! Jesus Chr- OH MY GOD! What are you guys gonna do, once we’re on the surface? Why? No, you are not! Your job- (Wayne laughs) It’s not an amusement park. It’s not like you could just go for another ride. KILL ‘EM Shit’s about to get real guys! HOLY SHIT A SKELETON! OH! GET IN HERE, GET IN HERE! C’mon! C’mon! C’mon, c’mon, get down- Go! Go! Go! Go! So much for surface life. (Wayne chuckles) Argh! Jesus! I’m tired too. I think we need a break. Let’s find a safe spot where we’re not exposed to the open air… And you know, the ICBM’s? Ok, so we got outside. We are only like 30 feet beneath the earth. We are not that close from- far away from the surface. What is that? Hello?! (High pitched beeps and bass plucks play intermittently) (Whispering) Do you know what that is? Don’t come- don’t- Stay back, stay back, stay back, stay back! Stay back! You guys got any ideas? (The skeleton emits a high tone) Back up, back up, back up.
(The skeleton emits a high tone) Back up, back up, back up. Okay, on three we rush it. (The skeleton emits a tone) Oh god.
(The skeleton emits a tone) (The skeleton emits a tone) I’m scared.
(The skeleton emits a tone) (The tone wavers then stops) Ready? What, what? Do you know what it is? What does green mean?! So-
(The skeleton emits oscillating tones) (The skeleton emits oscillating tones) What does that mean? What is it saying?
(The skeleton emits oscillating tones) (The skeleton emits oscillating tones) (It is now a single shrill, high pitched note) (Dr. Coomer is now also emitting a shrill sound) I’m taking the shot.
(Dr. Coomer is now also emitting a shrill sound) (Dr. Coomer is now also emitting a shrill sound) S-
(Dr. Coomer is now also emitting a shrill sound) (Dr. Coomer is now also emitting a shrill sound) (The noises stop) RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHAAAGHH- Get him! What’s that noise? (I did hear that) (The tone starts) In the vents! The skeleton! Get on your feet! Get on your feet! God dammit, Is this not the exit? Wait, is this just a dead end? Coomer, I need some help. I accept the transaction. (Wayne laughs) Huh? Alright. (sigh) Let’s close up the silo… So we can sleep here! Hey, look up guys! Can we really sleep here? What are you? What did you just fucking say to me? Uhh, I’m ending the simulation. I can’t take any more of this, I can’t take any more of this. Boys! SUBSCRIBE TO WAYNERADIOTV!!!!!!!!!!! Captions by LindaIrateGamerScreencaps