Indoor, Outdoor & Kids' Trampolines

Game of Zones – All of Game of Zones Season 5 (Episodes 1-8)


Dear LeBron I’m sorry this had to happen this way That I didn’t tell you sooner Claiming the O’Brien Throne with you was one of the proudest moments of my life And I will be forever grateful for the lessons you’ve taught me But I can no longer fight in your shadow Sure, we had our differences But the real problem is that we’re very much the same Many men succumb to the allure of rings and superteams only to obscure a deeper desire to be The Man While this chapter comes to a close a new door is opened beyond which lies the knowledge of my true potential I may find that I was mistaken That I needed you all along Or maybe I’ll discover that I am more powerful than I ever dreamed And so I’ve set sail for the edge of the world But if I find that this world is indeed round then maybe one day my journey will lead me back to you In my stead awaits another You may recall his words from last year Well, his wish has been granted There will be… A new… King in the East King James is late to his own meeting Doesn’t bode well for us getting out of this slump Hopefully he’s finalizing a trade for Kevin Am I right? Freakin’ Kevin What is that? That’s odd Some sort of pregnant raven Oh no… WOJ BOMB!! OH SH- Bring out your busts! Bring out your busts! We’ll take your whiffed draft picks and bloated contracts We’ll pay heaps of gold on the back end for your mediocre youngsters Bugger off, poacher! Bring out your busts! Here, you can have him after all Hey, there he is! The Knight of Crabbes You should’ve been here all along, eh? Here you go, for your troubles Ew. Gross! All right, off we go, Allan! Welcome home Bring out your busts! We’ll take your busts for a small fee! Ah, Ser Lowry, I’d love to see you in a Nets tunic Not me. Him Ah…the horse who does horse things? No. The–the guy on the horse Ah, Ser DeMarre Carroll! Oh boy, that contract’s a doozy ‘Fraid I’m gonna need a couple draft picks to take him on! Ugh fine, but just keep this between us I know, I know, I get it Lord Ujiri got an unblemished record. Blah blah blah blah blah On you go Bring out your busts, your bloated contracts! Ah! Bryan Long Collars! Two for me, eh? Sauce Castillo and Ser Okafor. Very nice Wait. I’m not a bust He says he’s not a bust Oh, he’s a bust all right So you’re just gonna send me off to Brooklyn. Just like that? Yes. It’ll be a fresh start Right, well why not Bostonia? Look, Jahlil, I’ve tried…everywhere Well that’s cause…I’ve just been in a…bad situation You couldn’t even beat out Richaun Holmes! Well maybe if I had some veteran leadership, or some archers to space the field He’s got a point there I roll out of bed and get 20 and 10s The only thing you get out bed for is a cheesesteak That’s not true. I’m vegan now. I’m in the best shape of me life See? Look at me, I’m vegan Jah! Look! I’m getting back on defense! Look at my defensive effort! Look, can you please take this guy, the scribes are killing me I’ll throw in a second-rounder. I’ll take anything in return Hmm…how about this guy? Huh, what? What? He’s good on D and has 18 businesses Uh… [Dry heaves] Vegan Jah Ugh. You know what? Fine. Deal. Done Alright, enjoy Trevor Booker! Bring out your busts! Bring out your busts! We’ll take your whiffed draft picks and bloated contracts! Stick stance, Nicholas OK, sorry Going off his numbers from last year, you could make the case he’s become one of the best shooters in the Realm [Scoff] You can never have too much shooting, Steph Klay, your thoughts? Huh? Um Yeah. Um. Yeah, I think it’s unsafe. A bit shaky I think Swaggy P could be an asset Lord Commander! Lord Commander! Yes, Patrick? A raven…just came in…Woj–er, Shams…Bomb House Hornets has traded for…Dwight Howard Hm, good for them. Nothing to concern ourselves with Thank you, Patrick. Let us know if you hear of anything else Aye, Lord Commander Swaggy has his moments, but all too often plays the fool Swaggy has his moments, but all too often plays the fool
They said the same of JaVale, but I’d say he’s worked out quite nicely They said the same of JaVale, but I’d say he’s worked out quite nicely Aye I just…I worry how many of these jester types can we absorb until… I just…I worry how many of these jester types can we absorb until…
Lord Commander! L-Lord Commander! Lord Commander! L-Lord Commander! Yes, Patrick? Another raven. He’s crossed the Narrow Sea! Who? Furkan…Furkan Korkmaz Furkan…Furkan Korkmaz
Oh, ugh, Patrick… Oh, ugh, Patrick… Oh, ugh, Patrick…
They-they say he might make the Sixers active roster. They-they say he might make the Sixers’ active roster. Oh, ugh. OK, Patrick. Um. Maybe just notify us if any…big
names change Houses. Understood? Right, right. Big names. Got it. I, for one, think Nick’s presence will help He’s one of the best catch-and-shoot guys out there Aye, and Lord Walton speaks well of his defense I mean, I like the lad, it’s just I’m concerned I mean, I like the lad, it’s just I’m concerned
Lord Commander! Another raven! Sorry to interrupt, but-but it’s a big name. Hall of Famer! OK Vince Carter He’s joining…House Kings! We’re not worried about House Kings, Patrick Come on, Patrick But…but you said big names and he’s— He’s bloody 40 years old, Patrick! I, I don’t know. I, I just…get a bad feeling about him Here, how about this: Only inform us of anything that actually matters to a house of our stature So say, one of the Great Houses of the West makes a move that directly affects us That sort of thing Right. Something that hurts our chances? Right Got it If you think it’s a good fit. That he’ll know his role You may be right. This is not the Swaggy P of yore He’s known as Uncle Swaggy now Alright, so it is agreed He’ll be examined by the maesters on the morrow,
and if they deem him fit, then a contract shall be Ugh, he’s coming. He’s coming up. He’s coming back up Lord, Lord Commander! Ah here he comes Lord Commander! I’ve got major news! Multiple ravens! This better be good Yes! Ser Chris Paul has been traded to House Rockets But wait, there’s more! Jimmy Butler is joining Karl-Anthony and the Maple Knight in Minnesota! And there’s more, it’s worse Paul George and Carmelo Anthony will be joining The Brodie on House Thunder That’s three new Super Houses. All in the West Again, Patrick? Please Only bring us news that actually affects our chances When will Lord Sarver and your master of basketball operations be arriving? They have entrusted me as emissary. Now what is this trade? Trade? No We’ve come to discuss an alliance An alliance? How would that even work? Think of it more as a merger Individually, our houses are weak but together, we can dominate the West as House Kings Suns! [Triumphant Horn] Eh…don’t love it But hold on. But what if I told you you
could play alongside the next Steph Curry? [Laughter] Right. It’s just the name “Kings Suns.” It’s awkward What about Sun Kings? OK fine, from here on we are House Sun Kings, OK? We are the Sun Kings We are the Sun Kings
[Triumphant Horn] We’ve taken the liberty of drafting a standard for our new combined house Buddy! Flip it one more I can’t really see the sun What do y–It’s in the front of the crown! Uh, excuse me I was thinking maybe…I was thinking maybe a crown inside a sun? Ooh like a fiery crown. I like that. Thanks yeah, I like to paint so…I think about like compositions and stuff I think it’s great. We want that. The flaming crown Oh come on! Buddy and Bogdan spent like three practices stitching this together! It’s fine, it’s fine, my lord. It is a small price to pay for a dragon Dragon? Yes. Everyone is actually quite keen to have a look You mean Dragan? Huh? I mean, here he is That’s a bit of a shit dragon Where’s its wings? And scales?! I’m still developing you guys, come on Oh I see, so the dragon is actually a person Great job researching, Vlade, really good researching there I didn’t realize–I just read the notes the scouts gave me, they said dragon Did you draft De’Aaron Fox because you thought he was a fox? Foxes are smart Ugh God. It’s fine, it’s fine We can evaluate all our assets when we join forces in Sacramento! You mean in Phoenicia Oh for heaven sakes! We just built a state-of-the-art castle Isn’t Sacramento a bit small? You want us to go to Phoenicia when It’s a hundred
and f–king twenty degrees every day?! It gets cool at night And besides, do you expect us to abandon a city with such a rich basketball history? Well clearly you are not familiar with the rich history of House Kings Lord Commander Adelman and his Lord Commander Adelman and his
Adelman …corner offense? Oh come on, they don’t even compare to D’Antoni’s Seven Seconds or Less offense! What are you talking? We had Chris Webber! Ser Charles was better That’s ridiculous, man, Webber was bigger, he was more athletic, not even close, man And you had nothing like Peja Stojakovic He was no Dan Majerle All right this guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about with Dan Majerle Dan Majerle was trash, man And I suppose you’re going to say the same of Steve Nash! The Kings have never come close to talent like that What about the White Knight of Chocolate? Wait, wait, wait. Did you just compare Jason Williams to Steve Nash? Have you gone mental? Well Steve Nash never did an elbow pass Who gives a shit? What do you know about passing, ball hog? All right, enough, enough! Maybe we are a bunch of ball hogs And maybe it is bloody hot in Phoenicia And sure Sacramento’s… smaller than Tucson. I don’t even know where it is to be honest But if we put aside our differences, and combine our houses well then we still probably wouldn’t make the playoffs but Oh boy Wh-When I look around, I see a bunch of guys who, I may not know their names, and they may not be good, but they play Basketball I think And… Eric…make your point I guess my point is… Eh…I don’t know, I don’t even wanna be here Lord Commander Lord Commander! Wake up! Giannis? What are you doing here? I have to tell you something What is it? Did Bango fall off the ladder? No. They’re going to exile you. At dawn [Sighs] I knew this day would come Demand a trial…a trial by one-on-one! I will be your champion! Giannis, you’re a good kid No, you’re a good Kidd! It’s not right. They blame you for everything! Eh. Well The analytics maesters blame you for all the corner
threes we give up! I mean, it is my defensive scheme, so And the fanlings say it’s your fault we don’t know
when to foul in the last two minutes of battle! Yeah, well okay, I mean, that one sort of Even though half the knights have given up on you! Eleven of them, actually Here What is it? Breakfast smoothie? Something like that [Coughs] I think your strawberries went bad Listen, Giannis I could adjust my schemes I could stop blaming our youth I could even work on my time management But I won’t Because at the end of the day I must be true to who I am In here And in here I am an asshole I’m a stubborn asshole and I don’t have a clue what I’m doing But…but you’re the best Lord Commander I’ve ever had I’m the only Lord Commander you’ve ever had Wait, did you have Larry Drew for a year? Were you… Did you have Larry Drew for a year? Yeah, yes, who cares? What matters is that it’s not fair what they do to you! [Glass breaks] [Glass breaks]
You’re giving up on us! You’re giving up on me! You’re giving up on us! You’re giving up on me! Don’t cry over spilled mead, Giannis! Don’t cry over spilled mead, Giannis!
When life gives you spilled mead…ugh When life gives you spilled mead…ugh Use it to get a free timeout… -Ah, the Big Dog Glenn Robinson. One of House Bucks’ finest knights I fought beside him under House Hawks. Years ago Lord Commander never talked about him But sometimes I’d find him down here lighting candles and praying to the statue Those weren’t prayers They were curses Ser Glenn Robinson was the first pick of his draft class Do you know who was second? Lord Commander? Aye. Well, Ex-Lord Commander He would come down here to pay his disrespects That resentment, that anger, that was Ser Kidd’s greatest weapon and his greatest weakness [Sighs] We were just getting comfortable in his scheme Ser Ray Allen He was pretty comfortable fighting under George Karl They spent years on the brink of conquering the East together But they never did Things grew toxic Five years later, Ray was finally a champion under Maester Rivers his sixth Lord Commander His Airness, Ser Jordan was a great knight under Doug Collins but it was under the Zen Maester that he became a champion -Don’t forget about Steph Curry, mate! Ah!
What the? Delly? He was quite comfortable with Mark Jackson but Steve Kerr really put him over the top What are you even doing down here? I was just down here scrapping around Actually found a pretty cool cave. You guys wanna come check this out? Wow. What is this place? This must be pre-merger Ancient House Hawks maybe? I don’t know Is that–is that Wilt Chamberlain? Nay. George Mikan. The first giant Nay. George Mikan. The first giant
What–what is this? Look at all these pale dwarves What–what is this? Look at all these pale dwarves Oh my gods, these must be the White Men of the Forest I only heard about them in stories They were first to play this game Looks normal to me Look here. No three-point line Why is he holding the ball like that? They were too weak to shoot overhand Some of these guys weren’t even full-time knights They were tooth maesters when they weren’t playing Man, this thing must be thousands of years old Oh look over here This guy’s holding a basket This looks like the earliest drawing Oh yeah, that must be Maester Naismith Wow Legend has it, he settled Balleros and made our holy sport He’s the father of us all There, yeah! Look! It says here Thou Maker. That’s him! Wait…wait. That’s not a… That says Thon! Thon Maker! Uh, Jason? How old did you say this was again? Oh! What happened to Lord Commander? Are you OK? He was attacked…at the end of the 4th quarter by the Jester While the Rivers boy laughed I will break their ankles! Nay nay Nene’s in the other tent. Should I get him? I mean no Violence is not the answer But sometimes, it is It’s futile, Chris You know the gates of Stables Castle are impregnable There are other ways in! Now House Clippers share their castle with House Lakers which means doubly fortified walls They were reinforced to protect Kobe from Shaq after his exile And then re-reinforced to protect Kobe from Dwight And then re-re-reinforced to protect Kobe from trying to unretire It won’t be easy I’ll need our best five So that’s me, James, Clint, Trevor, Eric… or Ryan…wait no We need someone expendable…a journeyman You. What’s your name? Green, ser. Just signed a 10-day You’re in The Stables Castle has a secret back entrance a wheelchair ramp built for Ser Paul Pierce Synchronize your sundials If we time it right, we can slice through their lazy zone defense at the rear gates Ah, a backdoor cut Exactly But we’ll need a distraction That’s where you come in, Clint [Knocking] Who goes there? Oh, hello! I’m here from Big Balleros Brand Would you be interested in purchasing some boots? Uh… How much for the sandals? Uh…great choice They’re actually on sale for… 400 gold Wait, what? Above the back door is a small window that leads to Donald Sterling’s
secret roost where he would send his racist ravens It’s easy to spot because all his birds were white Hoist me up, and I’ll sneak in and unlock the door Uh…they’re autographed by Lonzo Ball The GOAT Wait…aren’t you on House Rockets? Um… Cuz if you are… Please take me with you! Why’s he taking so long? Do you–do you think he got caught? Welcome to the Stables Castle Once inside, we’ll have to walk on eggshells You see, Sterling’s Roost is now the chamber of Chuck the Condor the most horrifying mascot in the Realm All right now, you lead the way Me? Why me? Do you want a guaranteed contract? Well, yeah, but— Then do–then go! [Crack] [Terrible screaching] Oh gods, he just ate him He just ate that journeyman guy! Oh no! He’s coming back [Hotdog impact] Hunting for fowls. It’s what I do I don’t know. Are condors considered fowl—WHOA [Hotdog impact] And-1 We then descend past Phil Jackson’s Zen Garden and into the shrine to Kobe built by Kobe to honor himself Now what? I don’t know There’s supposed to be a secret passageway James, check his closet Nothing…just some skeletons Here! Look Hm… I bet it’s–ugh! Two! Four! [Mambas whipping] Ugh! Mambas! Black Mambas! Trevor! Uh okay, um, think! Think! Eight! It’s got to be eight Wait. Hold on! Hold on! It could be five! For each championship No! It’s…it’s 81 Kobe scored 81 on Ser Jalen, the Knight of Roses Of course! Yes! Yes! He values individual accomplishments above all others Eight! One! [Stones grinding] [Mechanism whirring] Trevor, are you okay? Ugh, I’m suspended Go on without me. Finish what we started Better him than us, I suppose This will take us to the locker room doors Now in the event that we encounter the Jester, we implement Operation Jenner Cheers, thanks for coming out, um… So my squire year, some of the older blokes
take me to a whorehouse…to a whorehouse… Ugh…can’t I just cross him up or something? James, we’ve been through this He will whine and howl and the guards will be all over us It’s true, no one can whine like Blake, he’s the best Second-best. Second-best. Sorry All right, on with the dress and off with the beard Oh, I don’t know. It’s not just a beard I am The Beard Do it for Lord Commander [Sighs] Goodbye, old friend [Cutting] Your beard, James And your pubes You look… …stunning I just…I don’t know if I can do this Don’t worry, James Instead of acting like you’re getting fouled, just act like Kendall Jenner Uh…hey, baby Kendall? What are you doing here? I came here to…dunk I–I mean talk! But–but I’m at work Well, you haven’t been rebound—you haven’t been responding to my ravens I don’t think you sent me any ravens I was Eurostepping—I mean I was Europe modeling! I mean I was in Europe–I was modeling in Europe, you see I’m an influencer model Kendall, are you okay? Sorry, lately I’ve been feeling a little beard I mean I’m feeling a little weird! I’m James Harden I mean, I’m Kendall Kardashian–Jenner? Ah, ref, where’s the call?! And that’s when I make…the move What are you doing here? Doing something I should have done a long time ago [Slap] Gotcha, bitch! Daddy! My home island grows near When we get there my brothers will bestow on each of you great knowledge And hopefully turn this season around I don’t see anything Before you see them…you’ll hear them. Sh, listen [singing]
Replay is a joke. It’s good for the officials but bad for the game What is that? Some sort of…chant? It’s a rant. A Van Gundian rant, Tobias. These monks have taken a vow of no silence [singing]
Dwight Howard is always waffling and complaining. He is a coach killer Ah, yeah, that’s lovely. I could listen to that for minutes before getting annoyed Oh, there she is! The Isle of Van Gundy [laughs] Home sweet home [singing]
And if you flop… [singing]
You should get a technical… [singing]
foul [singing]
And if you flop… [singing]
You should be fined millions of… [singing]
gold! [singing]
And if you flop… [singing]
You should be suspended from the… [singing]
game! [singing]
Because flopping ruins the game! [singing]
But they don’t listen to us [laughs] Brother Stan! Brother Jeff! Is that really you? How the hell are ya? Ugh, terrible! The whole foul review system’s a mess Nobody listens to me. How are you? I’m miserable. We’re stuck in the damn ninth seed and I’ve tried everything Could use a bit of your help, Brother Jeff Ah, the Van Gundian Monks will always help a coach in need Knights of Detroit, C’mere and form a f–king wall I want you to meet my brothers. This here, this is Jeff Van Gundy Hello there! That’s Ethan Van Gundy Pleasure to meet you Reff Van Gundy That there is Jan Van Gundy Greetings I’m their second cousin This little guy is Gundy Van Gundy He’s severely gundied, so don’t say nothing about
“load management” in front of that one Ah! That’ll ruin the game and you know it! All right. Ethan, can you show the knights to their chambers? Our training begins bright and early tomorrow If you can’t make your free throws, they’re gonna hack you all day I don’t know, I just sorta feel like…I don’t need analytics to tell me LeBron is good You know? I know that. I can see that Ugh, I’m just not sure this will be enough, Brother Jeff The Lords of Detroit will have me head if we don’t make a run in the playoffs this year You know, there is another option. I mean, you are the Master of Trades, right? Aye Well, I hear whispers of a wealthy lord who’s looking to part ways with his most decorated knight If I send a raven now, they can be here on the morrow Ugh…I just… Ah, screw it. Send the raven I think you’re gonna like him, Brother Stan. He’s even balder and louder than I Developing! Developing! Developing players! Let’s make a trade, baby! Woooo! Ser Blake Griffin But he’s the face of your franchise And soon he can be the face of yours All right, but…who would you want for him? Tobias is a good developing player Yes, him All right! You’ve got yourself a dea– Also Avery Bradley, Boban the Giant and a first-round pick I mean…that’s quite a lot. What kind of contract do you got him under? Five years. 171 Million Seven hells, that’s a lot of gold I mean, Ser Griffin’s a marvelous talent and all Do you know he once dunked over a horse? Clydesdale Ah, wow, that’s…that’s really athletic. I just…171 million gold…it’s a lot… Oh, and did you know, he’s…funny? Oh? Is…is he now… Blake, tell us one of your jokes Um…sure…yeah Uh, so…cheers. Thanks for coming out everyone…um… So my squire year, some of the older blokes take me to a whorehouse— Not that one. Not that one Right…um…so a ref walks into a bar…and then a table…and then some chairs… [laughs] Because he’s…because the ref is blind! [laughs] That’s great, laddie It’s a deal! Fare thee well, House Pistons! And remember, stay away from those analytics folks! [chanting]
Alonzo [chanting]
Mourning What they doing? That there is the ceremonial exodus of the Van Gundys. Watch [chanting]
Back cut, down screen, ice, ice Go forth to victory! And please give our tidings to the maiden Rihanna! Bey! Ah, Bey I…don’t think she’s a maiden [laughs] This lad! I’ve got a feeling we’re going to have a long, bright future together, Blake [crow cawing] Ser Kristaps, are you excited about your new Lord Commander Fizdale? Looks like House Knicks won’t be getting rooked any time soon. Huh? [crow cawing] Fizdale hates European big men! Don’t listen to it Crows are all liars [crow cawing] Joakim Noah has a shit contract Well, OK, not all crows I know a story about a bird His name was Larry, and his hair was fair just like yours But he had a third eye that could see into the future Also a bad back I hate your stories I know a story about a child who hated stories I also know a story about a Chris Childs who punched Kobes I could tell you about Ser Ewing the Sweaty Those were always your favorite Those weren’t my favorites I could tell you the tale of Starbury shaggin’ in his wagon with the marketing apprentice Is this the sort of salacious and flirtatious story you like? Uh…no? Maybe you’d like a scary story [scoffs] Think you can scare me, Walt…Clyde…whatever your name is? There is nothing more frightening than being the second option to Carmelo in the triangle Oh, my sweet Latvian child What do you know about fear? Fear is for the elders who’ve suffered through the entire reign of James Dolan Fanlings are born and live and die, all without seeing a playoff win or a decent draft pick It was in this darkness that Isiah Thomas gave a 5-year contract to Jerome “Big Snacks” James Who? Exactly That is the time for fear, my lanky lord Watching Stephon Marbury, Steve Francis and Jamal Crawford three shoot-first guards—try to coexist in the same backcourt Draft picks busting in their cribs Bloated contracts for bloated players Women smothered their babies rather than see them watch Eddy Curry get paid 60 million gold to eat freakin’ lemon cakes on the bench And don’t get me started with Bargnani! Fear is for Lord Dolan playing lute, and having to tell him he’s razzlin’ and dazzlin’ when inside you’re crying and dying but you keep lying and complying because it’s terrifying and— [knocking] [lute strumming] Oh… Did I just hear…Lord…ah…Dolan roll–roll in? Hello, yes, it is I, Lord Dolan Just wanted to stop and sing Kristaps here a little cheer-up song Oh, how delightful and exciteful [clears throat] Here we go [lute playing] [singing]
Better find a sept [singing]
A good place to cry [singing]
‘Cause we’re not going to tank or play Frank Ntilikina ‘cause Mudiay’s our guy [singing]
Better find a sept [singing]
A good place to pray for all your sins [singing]
Will I overpay Trey Burke? [singing]
Or let him walk away like Jeremy Lin (that jerk!) [singing]
And Oakley is still not welcome back [singing]
Maybe I’ll re-sign Jarrett Jack [singing]
Hell, I’ll pay the luxury tax [singing]
to give Tyreke Evans a max five-year contract [singing]
Ooo! [singing]
I should bring Isiah Thomas back, [singing]
and the small one, too, for a longer deal [singing]
I think Elfrid Payton is the next Bradley Beal All right, Krislaps Porzmingis Time for you to hurry up and heal A little birdie told me Fizdale hates his European big men [laughs] Talk to you later, buddy See you in Lithuania Where’s Oakley? I want to kick him! C’mon, Ben. Take a three-pointer What are you afraid of? Oh, right…the fact that it definitely won’t go in This guy talks more trash than a young Kobe And also takes more bad shots than the old one At least I take shots, Benny one-point All right, just roll Some of us actually have real games to play Rude All right, I’ll fake the pass and then drive the lane Ugh, four Oof, that’s a turnover Ooh, mistakes like that can cost you Squire of the Year But I guess you can always try again next year Whose turn is it? I think it’s…Fultz. You’re up No, thanks. I’m not ready What’s happening here? Wait, you got the new 1K? Yeah, just came out But, it’s the end of the season Well, they’ve got to hand-carve all the graphics, Lonzo How is it? It’s pretty realistic Except they made my hair look painted on That’s because it does look painted on Oh, says Mona Lisa over here Well–can I see mine? Sure, let me find it Here’s Gordon Hayward Derrick Rose Ah, crap Klay Thompson Wow, graphics are uncanny Ah, here ya go, found Lonzo Oh thanks I think–wait, I think that’s Michael Carter-Williams Ugh [laughing] Very funny Lonzo, your rating’s actually pretty solid What about mine? Um You know This doesn’t look anything like me I guess they got lazy towards the back of the draft Well, what’s my rating? It’s a 72 What? I’m a 72 and Lonzo is an 80? Weren’t you in a bloody egg last year? Yeah, but that was like a special magical thing It’s probably changed, it’s just that we haven’t gotten the update raven Why don’t you just create your own knight? [sigh] I suppose I should Ugh, what are those? Those are your default 1K boots You start with them Nay, little me can’t be seen in these C’mon now You can purchase swag for your character from Ronnie 1k over there But I’ll warn you, it gets expensive 500 coppers for boots? That’s madness Huh, well, you can’t put a price on style I’m going to fancy up me character Don’t start without me, alright? Hey, uh…you Ronnie 1K? That’s right, fam I am Well, I’d like to try out some of your haircuts please No samples! You try, you buy [scoffs] C’mon Well then, I’d like your finest fur coat for my little knight That’ll be 100 VC What–what’s VC? Virtual coppers Uh, OK Here No, the–these are real coppers We only take virtual coppers Well then, how do I get virtual coppers? You pay me real coppers Are you–uh Right So, can I get 100 virtual coppers? There you are It’s empty Well, that’s cause you just went and spilled ‘em all over the floor Inbound to Lonzo What do I do? First, call out your move You’re on a team with Kuz and Donovan Markelle, you ready? No OK, I’ll send a full-court pass to Mitchell Alright, roll for it [dice on floor] OK Now, I’ve now picked up all 100 of my virtual coppers off the floor and I am handing them to you Please give me the fur coat [laughs] Nice try What? You’re three short! So after the battle, you run into Matt Barnes He asks you if you’d like to join him on a 95-mile quest to kick Derek Fisher’s ass Do you say (A) Violence is never the answer or (B) But sometimes it is? Ugh, seven hells, this is so boring Can we skip this? Nope, sorry According to the rules, you can’t skip the woodcut scenes All right Pure sharp, Demigod, Alpha Dog with Limitless Range Y’all are barbeque chicken Damn, Kuz And it only costs me 20,000 coppers and three of me goats All right Kuz, get in Fultz, the game is almost over You sure you don’t want to sub in? OK, I’m ready Um…hesi pull-up jimbo top of the key Oops All right My ball Two points away from the win I want to dunk over Ben Simmons [laughs] Uh, you know I’m a wee bit taller than Kevin Hart, right? All right, well, we’ll find out. Roll for it Boom! Eighteen! I win! Who says I’m not Squire of the Year? Actually, no You miss What do–miss? How? On an 18? Yeah, I mean your dunk rating It says here your dunk rating’s only 50 A 50?! A 50?!
You need to roll a 20 to pull off a stunt like that Well that’s horse manure I won the bloody dunk contest! At least, I still haven’t received an update Hey, Ronnie! Fix your bloody 1K server ravens! I’ll bet by the time that update gets here I’ll have already have won Squire of the Year May I just mention that I’m the third-leading scorer on the second-best house in the East despite devastating injuries to our finest knights? I think that deserves some consideration Well, if either of your houses were in the West You wouldn’t even be considered for Squire of the Year Stop your squabbling, children The damn Squire of the Year award is overrated By this time next year, nobody will even remember who won Oh, yeah? And who the hell are you? But, why must you leave? I’m a free agent now Will you be back? Aye. One way or another But…but, where will you go? I will raise the sails of me heart and let the winds of destiny blow where they– and let the winds of destiny blow where they–
-C’mon mate You’re wearing a Lakers tunic Well…yeah Paul, you realize House Lakers are bad, right? Russ, in my years, I’ve come to accept that I will lose in the playoffs no matter where I go But Los Angeles has a beach [sniffles] [sniffles]
Alright, well I must be going. Grunion season is upon us Yah yah! Surf’s up, mate Aw, c’mon now, Russ. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna go anywhere. [sob] [murmur]
I actually kind of liked Pusha T’s diss track [murmur]
I don’t wanna tell Drake, though [murmur]
I thought he went too far talking about Drake’s parents and all [bang] Shh, shh, Drake wants to say something Shh, shh, Drake wants to say something
[bang] You’re wondering why I brought you all here After all, we just had a feast to celebrate our No. 1 seed And since when does Old Drake give two feasts in a single fortnight? [murmur]
Yeah, we love you Drake! Well it’s no good being Lord of the Six if you can’t celebrate a
first-round victory with your woes The great knights of House Raptors! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah, we’re the North! Sure, the scribes, they don’t want to talk about us [grunts] Some dingy house in the North [laughs] They all just want to talk about The Process Boo! Boo!
Ben Simmons can suck my– And the washed up King LeBron Boo!
I hate LeBron! Well I say, LeBron can have his stupid Feast of the East Yeah! This year, the North will feast on the East! [cheer] But first, a toast! No more of that southern horse piss No more of that southern horse piss Proper wine for proper knights Courtesy of your Champagne Papi Stand together! North…over everything! North over everything! Not you I’m not wasting good wine on a damn horse Here, to the men who slaughtered
the Wizards in only six games That’s right, we did!
Yeah, they suck! Yes, yes. Cheer. Brave men. All of you Took six games to beat a house that had three less wins this year than the Nuggets That’s right! Oh… Haven’t you little northern knights learned? After all these years, killing pawns means nothing if you can’t fell the King [choking] Am I dying? No, we’re just choking. You’ll get used to it. When people ask you what happened here, tell them King James still rules the East Also, tell them I’m better than Michael Jordan King James has slaughtered the Raptors in four battles But I thought The Messiah Ujiri could walk on water Wah! Any other Master of Trades would be torched The King then conquered Bostonia after a grueling seven battles Wah! Tatum’s ceiling is still lower than Fultz Hm, what’s this? Bryan Colangelo is dumb and his collars are too big, ugh Wah! Brian’s collars are normal-sized, find a new slant Aw, thank you Honest Abe Wah! Bryan is a class act! I worked with him. So classy! You know, when my wife decided to raise little burner ravens, I had my doubts But I’ve really grown to love you all Even you, little Jacob Reuben Wah! Bryan you’re so attractive. Jahlil failed his physical, did you know that? Oh, Phila1234567, did someone mention me? Hmm…from Joel Lord Hinkie is better and smarter than you, Eric Jr. Eric Jr.?! Wah! Wish I had a medium-sized ladder! Shh, shh! What’s this? The Curious Case of Bryan Long Collars? Wah! Normal Collar! Shut up, shut up! It’s long Bryan, are you in there? I’m busy! Maester Detrick of the Ringer Guild has published a paper
accusing you of using burner ravens Is this true? What? No, that’s ridiculous Sorry, Honest Abe Wah! Class Act! Where is he getting all this? Some analytics wizard did an analysis of the scrolls Analytics wizard? No… [gasps] Hinkie! [knock, knock] That you, Lord Ainge? [muffled] Teamwork Gordon? Another late night of boardgaming? Alright, Terry. I think maybe you’re taking this “scary” thing a bit too far, no? Your Grace? What are you doing here? Dah! Aah! [pant] Hwah! It is your time Spurs of the East [screams in pain]

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