Welcome to the Sept of Baylor, a shrine to bad front-office decisions, the kind that have led all of you here to the draft lottery! Today, we gather in the presence of the lottery gods to witness the bestowing of the first pick. I am Mark Tatum, Hand of the High Commissioner Where’s the Silver Lord? What, he too good for us? Yes, actually. And besides, this is… Yes, actually. And besides, this is… this is sort of my thing. Yeah, you know what? Let’s just take a moment to appreciate Mark Tatum That’s right! Let’s give a little love to the guy behind the guy OK all right. Thanks. As per tradition, each house has chosen one delegate to represent them I do question some of your delegate choices, but then again, questionable decisions are why many of you find yourselves here. Um…House Pelicans… Come on, you know who the fanlings want to see That’s better Um…excuse me, House Mavs? What is this? We’re, uh, Triple Dirks OK, well, you gotta pick one representative, so figure out who is the next Dirk in the next 10 seconds, please. All right, well, I mean, I’m the most experienced… Well, I’m clearly the face of House Mavericks And I’m from Dirk’s hometown so yeah…I mean it’s hard We all have really good cases All right, you know what? I’ll let you guys sort this out next season House Lakers? -Get out there
-All right. Get off me Hi Hey OK, so, we’re all good? Everyone knows how this works? Uh…not really Right. Well, each house will have a chance to make their final plea to the lottery gods as to why they should get the first pick. So, who would like to be the first to make a claim? Great, the goat…made poop on the floor Excuse me? No, not you Sarver, why is there a goat here? Because it’s a metaphor and it’s FUNNY OK, well, please send a new representative down Preferably a human OK, the floor is open Oh…I’ll take a stab here I would say to the gods that you should give House Kings the first pick because— Actually, no, it would go to the Sixers Aw, crap, yeah… OK, gods, you should give House Kings the second pick— No, then it would go to House Celtics, I believe Wait, what? Who made this—I made this Ugh OK, do some—someone else should go. I don’t want to. No house has fallen harder than that of the Grizzly Ser Gasol is gone, but Chandler Parsons—and his stupid contract—remain Eh, could be worse Bless us, oh lottery gods, with the squire Zion, so that Grit and Grind may rise again, as a bane to all Western powers. The great House Knicks has not had a first pick in over 30 years Lord Fizdale? We finally have cast off our overrated European big man to make room for the Great Zion Please, gods, take that for data, and give House Knicks the first pick. Oh yeah, please If House Knicks gets Zion, they’ll just send him away in another terrible trade, right? Rude! You, Ser Kristaps, are now banned from The Garden! OK, you can’t just ban an opposing knight from your arena You’re banned, Mark! Does anyone else want to make a plea to the gods? Ah, Ser Devin. Welcome. Screw House Suns! They rejected our alliance and stole the first pick from us last year. Yeah, they already have Luka! No they don’t Wait, so who did you guys take? I think Trae Young Huh? What? We took Deandre Ayton Oh, yeah How’s he been this year? He’s actually pretty solid… Yeah? Uh, yeah, he’s quietly having a decent squire season -Oh, that’s good to hear
-You like to hear that Ser Anthony Davis? You want to make a plea for House Pelicans? Yes Read this, and we will trade you to House Lakers Not that part. Don’t read that part! Ah, right. OK, let’s try this again We, House Pelicans, are but a humble house, and we kindly ask you for your blessing. Zion is the hero that House Pelicans needs, a knight who can take us further than one playoff series win… …in seven seasons. We once had a transformative, all-realm knight, but he lacked the fortitude to take… the fortitude it takes to commit to a small market. OK, it’s MY fault? That I— Sorry I couldn’t beat House Warriors with Jrue Holiday and half a season of Boogie Cousins. Um, thank you, AD… House Cavs, would you like to make your case? If the gods truly care to see the squire Zion flourish, they should give the first pick to House Cavs, where he will be surrounded by championship-caliber veterans and a Lord who knows how to win. Oh, please. You know, there’s a reason I left… twice. Oh yeah? Because you’ve made House Lakers such a welcoming place for young talent? Who’s fitting out now? Hey Kevin? Yes, LeBron? I miss you. I… I miss you too All right, guys… let’s maybe keep the overt tampering to a minimum. OK, then. Who’s next? House Hawks? Wait, every house here has to go? Ugh. Yes. House Hawks, please go ahead. All right Um, dear lottery gods, our house is on the rise If Zion joins us— maybe 42-year-old Vince Carter won’t have to play 17 minutes a battle OK, who else? Minnesota? I mean, how many No. 1 picks do you guys need to make the tournament? Apparently more than three This is fun Hey, do us No Who else? House Wizards? I mean, who wouldn’t want to play with Dwight Howard? By the way, when does John Wall’s supermax start? Next year? Asking for a friend OK, who else we got? House Bulls? Oh yeah, I’m sure Zion wants to spend his first year having knights-only meetings -about how many push-ups are OK.
-OK. OK. All right. LeBron… please show a little respect. For many of these houses, this is the highlight of their season. Here, here! Oh yeah, and why is that? Maybe instead of looking to the gods, you all should be looking at yourselves. Rubbish houses with uninspiring Lord Commanders, foolish masters of trade, arrogant lords You’re banned! These are things a knight, no matter how great, can’t overcome. I learned that the hard way Zion may be the Prince who was Promised, but he will not save you. Because if you don’t give a GOAT the support he needs, then he’s gonna walk out the door. and all you’re gonna be left with… …is poop on the floor. All right Well, on that note… why don’t we go ahead and see who got the first pick? And the winner of the Zion lottery is… House Pelicans! [Murmurs of disappointment. Gayle Benson cheers ecstatically.] So, the key to getting notifications about new episodes of Game of Zones is by clicking the subscribe button. OK, so I move my cursor to the subcribe button Yes But, ’tis merely a pumpfake! No I open a new tab, -I search ‘Beanie Melo’,
-No -I search ‘Beanie Melo’,
-No and I read the comments on my workout videos. No, that’s exactly what you shouldn’t do