Indoor, Outdoor & Kids' Trampolines

Death Stranding | Abbreviated Reviews


Have you ever wanted to get a job in package
delivery but didn’t know where to start? What if you could kick off your career by
walking across America dodging psychotic package thieves and ghosts that want to literally
eat you? Well then you need to check out Death Stranding! Tie yourself onto the latest experience plucked
from the tree of crazy unique stories growing out of Hideo Kojima’s head in his first
title since leaving Konami. Take on the role of Sam Porter Bridges, a
man named Sam that is a Porter and works for Bridges, who is tasked with the now life threatening
job of delivering packages to people. In this post apocalyptic America that is definitely
not actually Iceland, everyone lives hidden away in protected cities or underground in
bunkers. No one goes outside for fear of having invisible
ghost monsters called BTs grab them by the ass, pull them over to big tar monsters, and
eat them alive causing a massive explosion that destroys entire cities. Plus any time people die, if they don’t
burn the body within 48 hours they also turn into a ghost monster and try to blow everyone
up. That’s a pretty good reason to want to stay
inside. Soon after starting, you’re tasked with
walking across Americanland delivering everyone’s junk and connecting them to the ghost internet
called the Chiral network. This allows them to send messages as well
3D printing schematics and hologram nudes. Meet all sorts of interesting characters with
Megaman names like Deadman, Die-Hardman, and Heartman. There’s also Fragile, a fellow delivery
person who really likes to eat bugs and Troy Baker cosplaying Troy Baker with eye shadow
on. You’ll head west connecting various waypoints
and hiding in terror from BTs – at least until you find out your blood can kill them
– then you can take every opportunity to drain yourself dry like a doctor in the dark
ages. Use your inhuman ability to carry mountains
of cargo on your back until you look like a deranged Dr. Seuss character as you stumble
across America trying desperately not to fall on your face and break all of your crap. If you get tired of the questionable physics
of walking around, try the questionable physics of various vehicles like a three wheeled motorcycle
or a truck that has absolutely no offroad capabilities. Thankfully though, where we’re going, you
can build roads! Use all sorts of tools to build ladders, climbing
ropes, useless towers, rain shelters, entire bunkers, game breaking zip lines, and even
floating carriers you can use as a makeshift snowboard. Add all of this to your load as you bring
people their totally necessary useless crap like energy drinks and underwear in exchange
for the only real currency in the game – Likes! That’s right, hundreds of likes can be yours
for the price of risking your life to deliver someone’s old magazines! You can even get likes for all of the useful
stuff you build and spamming hologram signs everywhere people travel because it’s shared
via the chiral network with other players. Follow this adventure through at least 40
hours of trudging up mountains and smashing the faces of your enemies with random suitcases
to the tune of what I assume is every Low Roar song ever made. Then enjoy the classic Kojima design of getting
90% of the story in the last 10% of the game through cutscenes that total as much time
as all of the Lord of the Rings movies combined! Death Stranding, somehow simultaneously the
absolute best and worst game anyone has ever played in the history of video games. This may not be my favorite Kojima game ever
made, but it certainly set the bar for being the weirdest. It’s tough trying to take the crown for
being my favorite, but it’s a much bigger accomplishment to be the weirdest Kojima game.

Reader Comments

  1. Hot and fresh in five minutes or less or your money back.

    Also, I made shirts in the description if you want to have a shirt.

  2. Oh boy, here come the Angry Gamers™ with the dislikes. You mess with Hideo, they hate your video.
    I loved the humor though, but maybe that's just because I have no desire to play Death Stranding.

  3. So the is the second best game in which you play a courier in post apocalypse America. Also, I'd like to congratulate you for coming up with a pun other then "Norman Reedus and the (fill in the blank) Fetus".

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